We can’t promise they are any better than your Christmas crackers, not so naughty but they are all nautical.
Two fish swim side by side up a River when they swim smack straight into a concrete wall…
One fish turns to the other and says “Dam!”
Q/. How much does it cost a pirate to get his ears pierced?
A/. A buck an ear
Q/. Where did Captain Hook buy his hook?
A/. At a second hand store
Q/. What did the pirate say a year after his 79th Birthday?
A/. Argh matey
Skipper: “Where are you going with your blinking ship?”
The Other: “This isn’t a blinking ship. It’s a lighthouse!”
LEARNING TO SAIL
Q/. How long does it take the average person to learn to sail
A/. The average person never learns to sail!
Q/. What do you call a sail with only 2 corners?
A/. I haven’t got a clew!
Q/. Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
A/. Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels!
– My wife has just sailed to the Caribbean.
– No, she wanted to!
Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
So that when the ships come back into port they can Scandinavian!
TWO SAILORS ARE SAT IN A BAR
The first sailor tells his friend, “My wife took a Day Skipper Course in Poole.”
“In Dorset?” asks the second sailors.
“No, she would not recommend it ” replies the first.
A boat carrying red paint crashed into a boat carrying blue paint and the crew were marooned.
A doctor, a dentist and a lawyer were in a boat together when a wave came along and washed them all overboard.
Unable to get back into the boat, they decided two would hold on to the boat and the third would swim to shore for help.
They noticed that there were hundreds of sharks between them and land.
Without a word the lawyer took off! As he swam the sharks move aside.
The dentist yelled: “It’s a miracle!”
“No”, said the doctor, “That’s professional courtesy!”
SHALL WE GO FISHING TODAY?
A SEA OF PUNS
Keep checking back for moor!
“I used to have a fear of boats, but that ship has sailed!”
“Making a boat out of stone would be a hardship!”
“In ancient times, seagoing vessels were much more fuel efficient. They got thousands of miles to the galleon.”
“A ship’s captain is a sails manager!”
“The admiral’s motto was, ‘Do it schooner rather than later!’ “
A thirsty sailor runs from his boat to the nearest bar and shouts to the bartender: “Give me twenty shots of your best rum, quick!”
The bartender pours out the shots, and the sailor drinks them as fast as he can.
The bartender is very impressed and exclaims: “Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast.”
The sailor replies: “Well, you’d drink that fast too, if you had what I have.”
The bartender says: “Oh my God! What is it? What do you have?”
“50p!” replied the sailor.
Q/. What does Captain Jack Sparrow use to cook?
A/. Pyrex of the Caribbean!
A MOORING INSECURITY
Why did the motor boat sink when it was moored against the pontoon?
It gave in to pier pressure!
THE CAPTAIN’S ENVELOPE
Once upon a time there was a famous sea Captain. This captain was very successful at what he did. For years he guided ships all over the world. Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains. However, there was one thing different about this captain – every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his captain’s quarters and open a small safe.
In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, then lock it back up. After, he would go about his daily duties. For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long-lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope.
One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain’s body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captain’s quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope, opened it and… The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper, two on two lines:
A SICK YACHT
Where does a boat go when it’s poorly?
To the doc!
Did you know you can tell the difference between male and female ants by dropping them in a glass of water?
If it sinks – girl ant. If it floats – boy ant!!
THE NEAREST BAR
A student asks his instructor, “What’s a bar?”
The instructor replies, “It’s a low-lying navigational hazard, usually awash, found at river mouths and harbour entrances, where it is composed of sand or mud, and ashore, where it is made of mahogany or some other dark wood. Sailors can be found in large numbers around both.”
CHANGING A LIGHT BULB
Q/. How many skippers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A/. None, because the right size bulb isn’t on board, the local chandlery doesn’t carry that brand, and the mail-order house has them on back-order.
A GOOD VIEW
A couple were on a sailing trip. They had gone night sailing and were on the deck looking up at the sky. One said to the other, “Look up. What do you see?”
“Well, I see thousands of stars.”
“And what does that mean to you?”
“Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you,?”
“Well, to me, it means someone has stolen our bimini!”
A young woman was very depressed and decided to end it all by throwing herself into the sea. Just as she was about to do so though, a young handsome sailor ran down to the shore and talked her out of it. “Look, you are young. There is so much you could do with you life.” said the sailor. “In fact, my ship is sailing for America in the morning. I’ll smuggle you on board and make sure you have plenty of food. If you’ll just help me pass the lonely evening hours, I will get you over to America where you can start a new life.”
That sounded great to the young women who took up living secretly in a cabin on board ship. Every evening the sailor would bring her some food and the two would spend the night together.
After about a week of this though, the ship’s captain discovered the woman hiding in the sailor’s cabin. “What are you doing in here?” asked the captain. “Well, I have a deal with one of your sailors. He is smuggling me over to America, and he’s screwing me.”
“I’ll say!” replied the captain. “This is the Isle of Wight Ferry.”
THE YACHT SKIPPER
A Skipper is walking through town looking for crew, when he sees a five-story building with a sign that reads, “Crew Association: Yacht Crew Available” Since he is without crew, he decides to go in. The Security Guard, a very salty type, explains to him how it works. “We have five floors. Go up floor by floor and once you find what you are looking for, for crew, you can go there and make a selection. It’s easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you who’s inside.”
Everything seems straightforward enough, so the skipper starts going up and on the first floor the sign reads, “All the crew on this floor are beginners.” The skipper laughs, and without hesitation moves on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads, “All the crew here are experienced, smart but weak.”
Still, this isn’t good enough, so the Skipper continues on up. He reaches the third floor and the sign reads, “All the crew here are experienced, smart and strong.” He still wants to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, he keeps going. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect, “All the crew here are experienced, smart, strong and former America’s Cup Champions.” The Skipper get excited and is about to go in when he realizes that there is still one floor left.
Wondering what he is missing, he heads up to the fifth floor. There he finds a sign that reads, “There are no crew here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a Skipper!”
THE POLITICAL SAILOR
A novice sailor was lost. Maneuvering his yacht close to another yacht he shouted, ” Excuse me sir, I promised my wife that I would be home on time and I’m afraid I don’t know where I am. Can you help me?”
The other skipper replied, ” Sure, You are on the Solent. You’re in a small keel-boat with a 15 HP diesel engine. You are at 50 degrees and 45 minutes North latitude and 001 degrees and 24 minutes West longitude, in about 8m of water.”
“You must be a Tory,” said the novice.
” I am and proud of it,” said the other sailor. ” How did you know?”
” Well, “answered the novice, “everything you’ve told me may be technically correct, but certainly not responsive to the intent of my question and my current need. I have no idea what to make of what you just said and the fact is, I am still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help to me at all and now I’m going to be late getting home!”
The other sailor responded. “You must be a labour voter.”
“I am and proud of it,” replied the novice, ” but how did you know that?”
“Well, “said the other yachtsmen, “you don’t know where you are or how to get where you want to go. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you were lost and in danger of being late getting home before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault.”
– “Mayday, Mayday, Mayday this is yacht Corporate Junket, Corporate Junket, Corporate Junket, over”
– “Mayday this is Solent Coastguard. Can you give me your position sir, over”
– “Solent Coastguard this is yacht Corporate Junket. I’m a director in a small engineering company, over”
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.
THE SAND BANK
An inexperienced sailor, after running aground on a sand bar, had to pay a passing fisherman fifty pounds to pull him off with his boat.
After his yacht was off the sand bar, he said to the fisherman, “At those prices, I should think you could make a real living pulling people off night and day.”
“Can’t,” replied the fisherman. “At night I dredge and haul sand back onto the bar.”
Q/. 3 men in a boat with 4 cigarettes but no lighter, what do they do?
A/. Throw 1 cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter……
A terrible skipper was going back and forth through the anchorage, searching for a place to drop the hook before dark. Looking up to heaven he said, “Lord take pity on me. If you find me a good spot, I will donate to charity, give up the demon rum, treat women with respect, pay my taxes, and never again give my crew all of the blame and none of the glory!”
Miraculously, the boat with the best spot in the bay began pulling up anchor to leave. The skipper looked up again and said, “Never mind, I found one myself.”
Q/. Why are fast yachts like popular furniture stores?
A/.Both always seem to have a sail on
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain’s parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:
“Look, it’s not the same hat.”
“Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table.”
“Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?”
The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything; it was, after all, the captain’s parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank.
The magician found himself adrift on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, then another, and another.
After a week the parrot said: “OK, I give up. What’d you do with the ship?”
THE ADMIRAL’S MOTTO
“Do it schooner, rather than later!’ ”